Survivor facts


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Let's make up some 'facts' about our survivors in the mood of Chuck Norris facts. I'll start:

  • The survivor can stare down wolves - they only fight them to give them a chance.
  • The survivor grabs hot cans with bare hands.
  • The survivor gets mauled by bears on purpose because his Ray Gun isn't in the Alpha.
  • If the toilets in the game were usable beyond gathering water from them, the survivor would defecate ammunition by the belt.
  • The hunting rifle is actually a placeholder model to be used until Hinterland can model the Survivor's middle finger in detail.
  • The Survivor doesn't get hypothermia - they warm themselves with an ice cube and complain about the heat.
  • The Survivor reminds bears that they are Canadian and forces them to apologize.
  • Scrap Metal is actually the toenails of the Survivor.
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Hahahhahaha @Wastelander this is great!

17 minutes ago, Wastelander said:

 

  • The hunting rifle is actually a placeholder model to be used until Hinterland can model the Survivor's middle finger in detail.
  • The Survivor reminds bears that they are Canadian and forces them to apologize.
  • Scrap Metal is actually the toenails of the Survivor.

I had to laugh so hard when I read this....  I would love to add facts but will have to think about this.

But kudos for originality! So funny! :D

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  • There's no backlog on wildlife development on Hinterland's side, just a huge list of animals the Survivor doesn't allow to live.
  • The Survivor gives Granola-Bars food poisoning.
  • For the Survivor, it's x-hours of daylight - for the wildlife, it's x-hours of death.
  • The Survivor has the best survival beard, regardless of biological sex.
  • There's no chin/skull beneath the Survivor's hair, just another Granola Bar.
  • The whole setting of TLD is the result of the Survivor complaining about 'all that newfangled shit'
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  • The Survivor is the reason Fluffy is hiding in the dam.
  • I had a Survivor-miniature in a game of Pathfinder once, but it killed the gamemaster.
  • Wolves howl, birds sing, the Survivor kills. That's just nature.
  • The Survivor serves their guests knuckle sandwiches.
  • See those burned down huts? The Survivor decided they sucked and the buildings themselves committed suicide.
  • The Long Dark fades into the Survivor.
  • The Survivor taught Simo Häyhä how to shoot.
  • Pleasant Valley becomes Death Valley upon the Survivor entering.
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  • It's not that hinterland only lets the survivor pick sticks and logs, it's that the trees are afraid and hope that if the survivor is satified he won't cut them down. 
  • The wolves only saw the survivor once. ONCE. 
  • The Old Bear went on the heroic quest to hunt down the survivor. The animals in TLD honor his sacrifice.
  • The survivor took down the plane in TM with an arrow. 

 

 

 

 

 

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9 hours ago, CarolinaSantAngelo said:
  • The survivor took down the plane in TM with an arrow. 

 

We were behind it all along :D that's an M. Night Shamalayan plot-twist right here ^_^

  • The snares in-game are actually not functional, it's just that the rabbits sacrifice their own to the Survivor to keep the Survivor off their tracks.
  • The buildings in-game are actually inhabited. It's just that the owners flee when the Survivor comes looking for a snack.
  • When the Survivor has to patch up a deep gash, they don't use a needle and thread, they use a hunting knife and climbing rope.
  • There used to be dinosaurs in TWM until recently, but the Survivor battered them and fried them with eleven herbs and spices, never revealing the last (the first ten being pain)
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  • Great Bear Island got its name when the Survivor first entered because due to a centuries-old tradition, the island is always named after the least dangerous thing on it.
  • Surprisingly enough, The Long Dark and the Warhammer 40.000 universe share one of their main characters - the God Emperor of Mankind.
  • Desolation Points looks the way it does because the Suvivor decided that whaling was stupid.
  • The Survivor can ban moderators.
  • In a dire situation, the Survivor's sheer badassery can be used as a firestarter, tinder, fuel, AR-15 substitute and BBQ sauce.
  • The wolves don't attack the Survivor because they're hungre - they merely try to defeat the current alpha-wolf, which is the Survivor.
  • In later versions, the Survivor will maul bears.
  • How many Survivors does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but they'll sure as hell knife it anyway, just to be safe.
  • There's actually a heavy-metal band named after the Survivor.
  • Emergency stims are actually made from the Survivor's sweat. They allegedly taste like bacon.
  • The Survivor once traveled back in time using a length of reclaimed wood and some scrap metal and then cloned themselves. That clone become later on known as Theodore Roosevelt.
  • There is a hidden stat bar in TLD - Rage. Needless to say, it's always full.
  • Every night, the bears check their caves for the Survivor.
  • The Survivor doesn't shave/cut their beard/braid since there are no industrial strength diamond blades in the game.
  • The Survivor, not the United States Navy, is actually the second-strongest Air Force in the world, and that's just because the damn plane is broken.
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12 hours ago, Patrick Carlson said:

Well-played! ;)

 

 

10 hours ago, miah999 said:

Good to see some folks here still have a sense of humor, everyone's been so serious lately.

 

Thanks :D

  • There is a hidden, fourth difficulty in the game where you play as a wolf in an area full of Survivors. Rumors state such a sandbox usually lasts at most a few nanoseconds.
  • C'mon guys, all this hype over the Survivor is just stupid. Now excuse me, there's someone at my door. [Incoherent screaming in the background]
  • The parasites actually believe they're the safest inside the Survivor. Needless to say, they are wrong.
  • Also, all the Survivor's white blood cells are armed with knives, naked, screaming and frothing with rage.
  • Noone expects the Canadian Survivor.
  • Some call it the List of Endangered Animals. The Survivor calls it a grocery list.
  • There are actually no aurorae visible in the trailer. The Survivor merely demanded a "kickass lightshow".
  • The Survivor pays their taxes equal parts in granola bars, wolf pelts and pain.
  • Kharn the Betrayer sheds blood for the glory of Khorne. Khorne sheds blood for the glory of the Survivor.
  • Whenever the Survivor plays a game of Warhammer 40.000 with their friends, the Space Wolves automatically lose.
  • The Survivors beard/braid is the raw material used to produce climbing rope, kevlar vests, space-shuttle heat-shields and reactive armor.
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C'mon people work with me here ;)

  • The Survivor is actually Sly Marbo
  • The Survivor manages to calm these forums down once and for all.
  • The Survivor can't really play with your dog unless you want some bosintang
  • Late WW2 flamethrowes were fueled with the Survivor's spit.
  • 4chan closed the pool, the Survivor destroyed it.
  • The Survivor manages to impress Australians with their knife.
  • The Survivor reads this entire thread and nodds in acknowledgement.
  • Those posts which were not in the Survivor's acknowledgement are missing for a reason, as are their writers. Yes, you may ask the reason. No, you will not get an answer.
  • Only the Survivor can prevent forest fires.
  • The Survivor tells Gandalf the Grey that he shall not pass.
  • The Survivor doesn't actually have any blood plasma, just a mixture of Kerosene, Summit Soda and bear brains.
  • There is only one thing truly stopping the Survivor - trying to explain the concept of mercy.
  • The Soviet Union was called a 'sleeping bear' by some contemporary politicians. Unfortunately for the Soviet Union, the Survivor heard that.
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  • The Survivor has to register each of their fingers as a Destructive Device.
  • One day, the Survivor went bird hunting but missed. The shot then ripped a hole into the ozone layer.
  • The Survivor told Diogenes to get out of their sunlight.
  • A bowl of cornflakes has 8mg of iron in it. The Survivor has 8mg of cornflakes with their iron.
  • The Survivor considers the Australian outback a 'dull affair'.
  • Same goes for the Antarctic wasteland, the Chernobyl exclusion zone, the surface of Titan and the seventh circle of hell.
  • The Survivor got their beard/braid at the age of 16. Seconds.
  • The Survivor can, in fact, float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
  • The Survivor is Exterminatus-capable.
  • As a child, the Survivor had a yard sale. It is nown as West Edmonton Mall.
  • None of you actually play as the Survivor - the Survivor controls your movements as you play the game.
  • When the Survivor was in school, they made their PE teacher run laps.
  • The Survivor always rolls a natural 20, even if the game uses only six-sided dice. Yes, that also applies to Monopoly.
  • The Survivor is the reason they call it the nervous system.
  • After civilization was restored, the Survivor was called to court because of a couple hundred charges of theft. The judge was sentenced to death.
  • The Survivor has your back. No, you won't get it back.
  • That which does not kill the Survivor runs away in pain. Yes, that also applies to the weather.
  • There once was a street named after the Survivor but it was renamed because nobody crosses the Survivor and lives.
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  • 2 weeks later...
  • The Survivor is a direct descendant of Leif Erikson.
  • How many pushups can the Survivor do? All of them!
  • The Survivor gets a Whopper at McDonalds.
  • The Wolf of Wall Street was originally about the Survivor, but the sheer amount of film blood would've made the producers bankrupt.
  • Hell hath no fury like the Survivor.
  • The 11th Commandment: "Unless thou want thy fur seperated from thy skin, thou shalt not mess with the Survivor"
  • It is said that the mongolian Golden Horde descended from a wolf. Now look at the current state of Mongolia.
  • Same goes for the Roman Empire.
  • Little Red Riding Hood is actually one of the Survivors ancestors.
  • This song is about the Survivor.
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  • When unarmed, the Survivor spins the wolve's heads right round, right round, like a record baby, right round round round.
  • Chuck Norris writes Survivor-facts.
  • The Survivor beat Germany 7-1.
  • The voice line "I'm gonna kill you and eat you!" was recorded after a random plane crashed into Hinterland's main building.
  • The Survivor may get parasites, but Canada gets the Survivor.
  • Rumor has it that @Patrick Carlson is the only one who can calm down the Survivor (Sorry Pat ;)
  • When abandoned in the forest, the Survivor doesn't leave breadcrumbs - they leave fresh, still warm chunks of wolf.
  • Everything you can do the Survivor can do bloodier.
  • Campfires stay where they are because when the Survivor puts something somewhere it stays there.
  • Snickers got it's current slogan after the Survivor managed to get into the factory cafeteria. 
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  • As a toddler, the Survivor mauled the neighbour's dog.
  • The Survivor doesn't use the bathroom - toxins and other waste-products flee on their own.
  • The Survivor goes on vacation in North Korea.
  • Legend has it that everything is in balance with each other - good and bad, strong and weak, rich and poor. Is that why the Survivor is from the same country as Justin Bieber?
  • Once a year, in winter, the Survivor climbs down every chimney in the world, steals food and leaves stuff they have no use for under some decorated plant.
  • The Survivor beat SCP-173 in a staring contest five times in a row.
  • ISIS considers the Survivor a terrorist.
  • The Survivor has a perfectly working Dell computer running Windows 95 and has never encountered a bug, error message, crash or bluescreen. They do so by screaming at the screen instead of typing.
  • The Survivor doesn't foul other players in ball games, they kneel down in awe.
  • The Survivor has made Wastelander run out of facts and commands readers of this thread to carry on for now :durbear:
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